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10 Myths About Clergy Sexual Abuse—Darryl W. Stephens
(From the January 2012 edition of HopeSpeak) MYTH 1—It is just an affair. To call it an “affair” is to focus only on the sexual relationship; but the real issues are the clergyperson’s violations of the sacred trust of ministries, breach of fiduciary responsibility, violation of professional boundaries, and abuse of power. MYTH 2—They’re consenting adults, so they’re both to blame. When there is a significant imbalance of power in a relationship (as there is between a pastor and a parishioner), it is the pastor’s responsibility to maintain appropriate professional boundaries. Blaming the victim is an attempt to avoid confronting the perpetrator. MYTH 3—A sexual relationship involving pastors is their own personal business. Even if both parties are single, a sexual relationship between a pastor and a parishioner affects the entire congregation, and makes it more difficult for the pastor to be a minister to the whole congregation. MYTH 4—When a parishioner accuses the pastor of misconduct, it’s best to them them work it out. Clergy sexual misconduct is a chargeable offense according to the laws of the United Methodist Church, and it is even a criminal offense in some states. It is the responsibility of the church—not the alleged victim—to enforce church law and to hold clergy accountable. MYTH 5—The pastor resigned—case closed. Closing a case prior to adjudication abrogates justice for all parties. Facts may never be investigated, innocence or guilt may never be determined, the truth may never be told. Even if the pastor resigns, it is best to complete the investigation and adjudication process. MYTH 6—A scandal like this will destroy us; secrecy protects the church. Failure to disclose appropriate information to a congregation regarding an allegation of misconduct—and the outcome of the just-resolution process--only fuels rumors and misinformation, and denies the healing power of truth-telling. Appropriate disclosure does not mean spilling all the facts, but it does mean informing people to the extent that they have a need to know about their pastoral leadership. MYTH 7—Better psychological screening will eliminate future misconduct. While psychological evaluations are important parts of the screening process for ministerial candidates, this process will not eliminate the problem of clergy misconduct in the church. Don’t we have a doctrine of sin to remind us of this? MYTH 8—A “zero tolerance” policy will eliminate misconduct. If a conference is too quick to dismiss any clergyperson accused of any form of misconduct, a culture of secrecy may develop. Due process and the hard work of discernment about degrees of violations will contribute to justice and healing for all parties. MYTH 9—No news is good news. A conference or church that has no reports or allegations of misconduct is not necessarily free of misconduct. In fact, effective education of clergy and laity about appropriate boundaries increases awareness of misconduct, often resulting in an increase in misconduct cases, at least in the short term. MYTH 10—A pastor can never be the victim. Clergy can be harassed and abused by parishioners just as anyone can be the victim of a crime. Beginning last year, every conference is now required to have a policy about how to handle complaints of lay harassment of clergy. It is still the clergyperson’s responsibility to maintain appropriate professional conduct and boundaries, however. Church should be a safe place for clergy and lay workers as well as parishioners. Originally published in The Flyer, 41:9, Sept 2010: http://www.gcsrw.org/InTheLoop/TheFlyer.aspx. Darryl W. Stephens is assistant general secretary of sexual ethics and advocacy for GCSRW. |
Forgiveness, Grace & Consequences...
The Bible is abundantly clear—God freely and abundantly offers forgiveness to all who come to Him with "a broken and contrite heart." (Psalms 51:17) Certainly King David understood more of the love and forgiveness of our God than most people will have the opportunity in this lifetime to know. But, does God's grace eliminate the need for anyone, no matter what they have done, to be hindered from picking up where they left off? Is this truly what the Bible teaches?
Let's think about it for a moment. He is standing on the very border of the Promised Land. For 40 years Moses endured censure, heartache and almost relentless persecution, from his own people. And then, in the very last moments before the children of Israel are preparing to cross over into the beautiful land of promise, he is pushed—not forced—to commit a grievous sin.
Some may wonder at the reason God seemed
to deal so harshly with Moses. After all, isn't forgiveness with God complete
when we confess we have done wrong? Doesn’t God's Word implicitly state, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and
just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness"?
(1 John 1:9 (NIV)) Why, then, must God enact such a stiff penalty? Wasn't Moses
forgiven? In fact, it almost seems as if God is rubbing it in instead of
offering grace and forgiveness. God tells Moses, “Go up this mountain in the Abarim range and see the land I have given
the Israelites. After you have seen it, you too will be gathered to your people,
as your brother Aaron was.” (Numbers 27:12-13 (NIV))
At first glance it seems somewhat harsh.
It sounds like God is saying, "Here it is Moses! Look at the wonderful
inheritance your people will be getting to enjoy! But for you, sorry, you’re
going to die." Something else must be going on here. God's own Word tells
us that, "He does not willingly
bring affliction or grief to the children of men." (Lamentations 3:33
(NIV)) So what is really taking place? When God pronounced to Moses the penalty
of losing the privilege of going into the Promised Land with the rest of the
children of Israel who, by the way, were many times more rebellious and
unfaithful than Moses was, He told him, "for when the community rebelled at the waters in the Desert of Zin,
both of you disobeyed my command to honor me as holy before their eyes.” (Numbers
27:14 (NIV))
You see, Moses had special privileges. He
was highly honored. He spoke with God "face
to face, as a man speaks with his friend." (Exodus 33:11 (NIV)) The
consequences for his actions were directly in proportion to the exalted
position he filled.
When a spiritual leader falls, it is not
the same as just any member of the congregation. God has honored him; placed
him in a high position of sacred trust. And, like Moses, when he falls, he
fails to honor God "as holy: before
the eyes of the people.” There must be serious consequences for such
heinous actions. It's not a matter of forgiveness. It's a matter of violating a
sacred trust—a trust that can never be completely restored. If God's leaders
fall, ultimately, they lead others to lightly regard the sacredness of their
position and the high and exalted purity of God's Holy Law. When leaders fall,
they fail to honor the sacredness of God's character and bring reproach and
disgrace to Him before the eyes of the people.
Some may be wondering, “what about restoration?” Even Peter was restored to his position after he denied his Lord three times. True, Peter’s sin was enormous, but Peter’s fall was vastly different from that of a minister caught in sexual sin. Sexual sin destroys not only the one who commits the act, it very often destroys the one they lead into sin as well. Peter’s actions, sinful as they were, were sinfully self-preserving, not willfully destructive of another. Yes, it was his pride that led to his downfall, but his love for Jesus and his position were not used to justify his actions or to satisfy his need of self-exaltation.
In reality, a fallen minister more closely resembles the actions of Judas than those of Peter. Judas took from the disciple’s moneybag, an action that was done to gratify his own lustful desires—the gain of earthly pleasures. He was so self-absorbed he couldn’t seem to get enough. His passion for more led him to commit one of the most horrendous crimes ever committed. He sold his Savior to serve his passion. Ultimately, he sold his own soul to gratify his sinful desires. Like a morally fallen minister, his position was used to gratify his lust, clearly distinguishing his actions from those of Peter’s.
You may be thinking, “Well that may be true, but there is the account of King David’s fall. And, God even called him “a man after His own heart.” Yes, David committed adultery and murder. And he was forgiven and allowed to remain as king of Israel. Certainly, some may believe, there is a precedent here for restoring a fallen minister. But is there really? Perhaps an argument could be made in favor of restoring the fallen. With that premise, one would use King David’s life as a model of grace. But, if one takes that position, then there are other questions that must be addressed.
Were there any consequences for David’s sin? Yes, there were many. David’s sin, in terms of consequences, was one of the most costly sins a fallen leader had to endure. God tells David, “You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.” (2 Samuel 12:12 (NIV)) Most ministers who fall have real difficulty admitting the actual heinousness of their actions. The first reaction is to minimize or justify why this happened. They, like David, try to hide their sin. You will hear words like, “I fell from grace,” or “I took my eyes off Jesus.” All true, but this type of confession only minimizes the seriousness of their actions and personal accountability. These types of justifications are often spoken in order to gain sympathy and support, rather than to reveal the true nature of their sin.
God told David his secret sin would be broadcast in the “broad daylight before all Israel.” Some may wonder, “Wasn’t God worried about His reputation when He publicly made known David’s fall?” Apparently, God was more concerned about the effects David’s sin would have on the people if it were kept secret. Like the prophet Eli’s sons, who committed adultery with the women in the church, David’s sin would “make the LORD'S people to transgress.” (1 Samuel 2:24 (KJV)) Often a moral fall and restoration are kept secret, allowing the fallen minister to continue on without any fear of embarrassment or real consequences.
For David, God told him, “Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.” (2 Samuel 12:10 (NIV)) Was life going to be a bed of roses and “easy street” for David after his fall? Certainly not! Additionally, God told him, “Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight.” (2 Samuel 12:11 (NIV)) Serious consequences indeed! How many fallen ministers would argue, “Keep me in my ministry, God forgives. I, like David, am a man after God’s own heart. He wants to restore to my ministry to me. The best years of service are still ahead for me….” if, indeed, this were their fate? Their focus, too often, is “all about me.” The church they devastated, the spiritual lives they destroyed by their actions, all are pressed into the background, and the spotlight is clearly directed to gain sympathy for themselves and to minimize their “mistake.” How unlike David, “a man after God’s own heart,” they truly are.
God told David, “The sword will never depart from
your house.” (2 Samuel 12:10 (NIV)) Clearly, the penalty was severe. David lost four
sons. He lost the honor and prestige he had so wonderfully achieved through his
prior loyalty and faithfulness to God and the people. And, what he did
seriously impeded the evangelistic work of the church, for God told him, “You have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt.” (2 Samuel 12:14 (NIV)) Given all this, we are forced to ask
the question: “Is it worth the risk of such extreme loss to the church, to
God’s reputation, to the victims of a fallen minister’s actions, to restore him
back to his position?” How could such a risk be worth the taking?
What then is true restoration? Both Moses and David were restored to a saving relationship with Christ. But, Moses’ service as a leader of God's people came to an end. God did not abandon Moses or David because of their unfaithfulness. In both cases, He showed the children of Israel an extremely important lesson—one that we would do well to heed. If, after being used by God in a most solemn and sacred work, one lets go of their hold on Him and causes His name and church to come under censure and reproach because of their sin, there are extremely dire consequences. For both of them there was great loss. Joshua succeeded Moses as the leader of Israel, and David’s effectiveness as a leader was destroyed. His own sin caused division and abuse in His family, which led to insurrection from his son Absalom and disgrace to the children of Israel.
To a fallen leader I would say, “It’s time, with humble submission, to accept the consequences your actions have brought upon you, and to honor God and the church you failed to serve by refraining from seeking to restore your position.”
Moses gives us a wonderful example of how
a fallen minister should respond to God's hand of discipline. He lays down his
rod of leadership and honorably turns over the reigns to another whom God has
chosen to take his place. He does not protest that he is God’s chosen
instrument and that, even though fallen, he is still called and qualified to
lead God’s people. Moses quietly and humbly steps aside. He places his life
into the hands of a God he loves and trusts.
It's not about forgiveness. The Bible is abundantly clear. Moses was raised to life and was granted eternal life, but his fall excluded him from being able to further lead God's people here on Earth. It's not unforgiving, unkind, or un-Christlike to not allow a fallen minister to regain the position they once held and through which they abused another. In fact, it is one of the most loving things we can do. Not simply for the morally fallen, but for the church, and for the highly honored name of our Creator whom we exalt before the world. It is imperative that we set a right example—one that shows God’s mercy and forgiveness—but one that also reveals He holds accountable those who serve as His leaders. Leaders often fall because the position they once held, if unguarded, easily leads to self-exaltation. To reinstate a fallen leader and place them back into the same position where the temptation to repeat their former actions is very great, is neither wise, nor in their own best eternal interest.
What, then, is
our responsibility to those who have fallen? Often times, our feelings and
personal attachment to a fallen leader find us encouraging them to stay in
leadership. People will try to cheer on the fallen leader, telling them to get
back on their feet and once again rise to greatness, when God has clearly said
it’s time to step down.
The reason we have such difficulty distinguishing between our emotions and principles is because we are more concerned with what pleases man, rather than showing our fidelity to God. Why, at this point in time, is this so important? As one author so eloquently stated, “We are nearing the judgment, and those who bear the message of warning to the world must have clean hands and pure hearts. They must have a living connection with God. The thoughts must be pure and holy, the soul untainted, the body, soul, and spirit be a pure, clean offering to God, or He will not accept it.... “ (Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, p. 55) When a leader becomes defiled through sexual sin, they cause the church and “the enemies of the Lord” to “show utter contempt” to God. The work they purportedly gave their whole heart, love and life to serve becomes tainted, and the gospel loses its power to convict men and women of their own sins.
If we cannot clearly see what God requires His people to be, then we most certainly will not be able to discern the high level of integrity His ministers must possess in order for their service to be acceptable and effective for Him. To encourage someone to stand if God says, “step down,” is extremely dangerous—not only to the one whom we encourage, but to us individually as well. Ultimately, we too will have to bear the consequences if a fallen minister who is again “restored” to leadership abuses someone else. My prayer is that, as a church, we will vigilantly search our hearts to see if we are indeed following where God is leading.
By Pastor Steve Nelson
Happy New Year!
Christmas Blessings from The Hope of Survivors
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Pastoral Sexual Abuse: Why Do They Do It?
By Ardis Stenbakken
Almost every time you open a newspaper or see a local news report, you are likely to read or see a story involving sexual abuse by a teacher, pastor, lawyer, coach, caregiver, doctor, therapist, political leader, or church leader. In our small city one of the biggest stories of the spring was about a teacher caught naked in a car with one of her 16-year-old male students. And of course we have all known about the clergy sexual abuse stories from Ireland. Here in the United States there has been one story after another about a political leader involved in some sort of sexual scandal. Other countries are not exempt either.
Reading and thinking about these stories, I have to ask myself, Why do they do it?
I am not an expert, just someone who cares a great deal about the victims. As I think about this issue, I think the answer is: They do it because they can. You see, these cases are not simply about abuse; they are about power.
Because the abuser has some type of power, some authority, some prestige that puts the abused in a position of inferiority, it makes it extremely difficult to stand up to the abuser, especially if the abused is a child or someone who is seeking help for some issue; they go into the relationship with a need. The person in power may have some economic control, have some sort of influence over the victim, may have physical power, informational power, psychological or emotional power, and even spiritual control—someone who is “closer to God, and knows the Bible better,” than the abused.
Unfortunately, when boundaries are crossed, someone always gets hurt, and often it is the person who has the power as well as the “victim.” And when it is a church leader, not only do the individuals get hurt, but so does the church and the mission of the church. In other words, abuse of power is not a victimless crime, nor does the perpetrator skate free. The Bible is full of stories about power, the good use of power, and the abuse of power: The first and most obvious is that of Lucifer who became known as Satan. He had power, but he wanted more power. He used his position to poison the minds of a third of the angels. Not satisfied with causing them to fall, he went to work on Adam and Eve and all those who came after. Once again, the abuser and the abused are hurt—Satan will get his final punishment at the end of the thousand years. The misuse of power is often subtle. It can be seen in manipulation. This certainly happened in the Garden of Eden. Sometimes the abuse of power comes in the form of “poor me,” or by causing one to doubt; this again was used in the Garden of Eden. And sometimes the abuser tries to force by saying, “After all I’ve done for you!” All these are dishonest, abusive, and manipulative. The opposite of Satan and his abuse of power is Jesus, the one who is the all powerful, the Almighty, the one Who never used His power for his own benefit. In fact He laid His power aside and took the position of a servant. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). He is our example. He knew and respected boundaries. He never forced anyone—and He still doesn’t. He gives us choice and freedom. One of the stories in the Bible that can really help us understand this whole issue of abuse of power is the story of David and Bathsheba. Historically we have looked at this story simply as a story of adultery. It is still adultery, but we need to take a new look at the story. David was seen as a religious and political leader. He was expected to hold a higher level of accountability. But he let down his God, himself, Bathsheba, his country, his friend Uriah, and his family—because of his sin he was never able to discipline his sons. Sometimes a person in power will excuse abuse by saying this action was a “private matter.” Sometimes the legal term is used of “consenting adults.” But what David thought was private was not private and it affected the entire nation. He found “your sins will find you out” (Numbers 33:23). We need to challenge our churches, our power structures, to adapt policies that will help maintain boundaries and support those who are abused. Scripture calls us to reform/change the way our power institutions work. Jeremiah 7:1-7 reminds us that we are to change our actions, deal justly, not oppress the powerless, not shed innocent blood (the ultimate abuse), not follow other gods (including the drunken god of power and abuse). We also need to support each other, helping all to understand boundaries and the danger of submitting to one in power. We need to help those in power understand their boundaries and hold them to them. When we are clear as to what abuse of power is, we are better able to withstand it and to deal with it. THEN, wonderful things will happen for the people of God. [Ardis Stenbakken retired the end of 2004 from being director of the Women’s Ministries Department at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. She and her husband live in Loveland, Colorado, where she continues to edit the Women’s Ministries devotional book series, take speaking appointments, write, and other Women’s Ministries and church assignments.]
More than once, David had exercised great restraint in use of power. He had understood boundaries. He had listened to Abigail and didn’t kill her husband and all those around him. David said to Abigail, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me” (1 Samuel 25:32). When David had the opportunity to kill Saul, he instead cut off a corner of his robe. David even felt guilty about that. The Bible says, “Afterward, David was conscience-stricken for having cut off a corner of his robe. He said to his men, ‘The Lord forbid that I should do such a thing to my master, the Lord’s anointed, or lift my hand against him; for he is the anointed of the Lord’” (1 Samuel 24:5, 6). A similar experience came later when David took the spear and water jug from beside Saul’s head (1 Samuel 26).
But when David saw and desired Bathsheba, he ignored boundaries and used his considerable power to get what he wanted. Some have suggested that Bathsheba had tempted him, and could have refused his advances. Those who suggest this do not understand the power of an ancient king. And even if she could have refused David, he was the one who should have been responsible. Larry W. Spielman, who has written about leadership and prevention of church professional misconduct writes, “Some have pointed the finger at Bathsheba, suggesting that she seduced David by bathing where the king was sure to notice her. This makes Bathsheba, not David, responsible for the king’s inability to control his erotic urges. Such a suggestion is ludicrous. Even if Bathsheba behaved in a way to arouse the king’s passions, King David is fully responsible for what he does. Despite her beauty and allure, Bathsheba does not have the ability to cause the king to lose all sense of control and responsibility any more than Goliath had the ability to cause David to be afraid. Indeed, in the latter crisis David remained calm and in control (1 Samuel 17:36-37).”
This article was originally published in the October edition of Hopespeak. You can find it in its entirety here.
Highlights from August Clergy Sexual Abuse Awareness & Prevention Campaign Events - 2011
Below are some of the highlights from the events that took place throughout the Clergy Sexual Abuse Awareness & Prevention campaign:
- Steve & Samantha Nelson were guests on the program God Answers Prayer, hosted by Ted Gonzales and Linda Cobb on KCHF-TV (Son Broadcasting) in Santa Fe, NM.
- Volunteers Gail & Elgin Jenkins staffed The Hope of Survivors’ exhibit at the Pacific Union Conference Session & Ministerial Council held in Ontario, CA. Gail reported things went very well, with many pastors and leaders requesting more information about the organization and more involvement with other initiatives to end abuse within the church. Both English and Spanish booklets, as well as the Enough Is Enough, buttons were distributed at this event.
Update of benefit concert held in Simpsonville, SC, August 6, 2011:
We were blessed to be able to participate in the Clergy Sexual Abuse Awareness month by hosting a benefit concert at Word of Life International Ministries in Simpsonville,SC. We had anointed musicians and singers that lead us straight into the presence of God. The testimonies were filled with hope and healing. I was so inspired by the bravery of those who stood up and shared their experiences with us. Our attendance was low, but that was to be expected when breaking new ground in an area that is saturated with clergy sexual and spiritual abuse. I believe that those in attendance were ordained to be there. We are hoping to do another CSA Awareness event within the next six months or so. We realize that we will have to continue to plow the spiritual ground in the upstate area of South Carolina and stand firm in our resolve to eradicate CSA from the Body of Christ. I want to thank Hope of Survivors for their support and contribution to this event. May God richly bless you as you continue to bring hope and healing to survivors of Clergy Sexual Abuse.
Denah Moon
Soul Care Ministries
Head Counselor
Update of benefit concert held in Vancouver, WA, August 19, 2011:
A gathering of about 30 people was present for the concert and testimonies held at Oasis Christian Center, in Vancouver, Washington, on 8/19/11. The concert presented “spiritual-recovery music” by Linda B-K (Linda Beldin-Korter, LCSW) accompanied by the Awaken Music Band with Rob Louis and Jeff Hancutt. Three survivors of clergy sexual abuse presented testimonies. Linda, who also described the progressive steps that occurred in the process of the abuser towards the victim, presented the closing testimony. The program flier also included Progressive Steps To Healing (from clergy sexual abuse), also from Linda’s personal experience. This event was felt to be positive, spiritual, Jesus-centered, and uplifting to all present.
Some (who were unable to make it to the concert) checked out The Hope of Survivors’ website and were amazed at how in-depth it was and grateful that THOS is available. One pastor (not at the concert) also told of how he found out many years after the fact that a member of the clergy had abused one of the women attending his church; he spoke about how difficult recovery was for her.
Reported by Linda Beldion-Korter, LCSW
Abuse is Always Wrong
Labor Day weekend is finally here. For many of us, this marks the end of long, hot summer, with school, work, and cooler weather just over the horizon.
Our first annual Enough is Enough campaign to raise awareness about Clergy Sexual Abuse was a success (thanks to many of you!), and I'll be sharing some of your reflections about it as they become available.
As I glanced through the blog stats this morning, I noticed an unusual search term for this blog:
when a church abuses a pastor's familyOf course our readers know that most of the people who find comfort and support here have suffered from abuse at the hands of a pastor or spiritual leader.
Nevertheless, this concept-in-reverse got me thinking.
Sadly, I do know that the reality of congregants abusing their pastor is real (and highly destructive), having several close friends who are pastors/wives myself. I've listened to their stories as they've described impossible expectations, undeserved criticism, and complaints that range from petty to hostile; most of which are without basis or the root issues are so trivial, that they're hardly worth raising an issue over.
At The Hope of Survivors we speak in depth about the damage that a corrupt pastor can cause, but we also know that most pastors are good people; faithful and true to God's word and His standard for caring for people.
Abuse is always wrong. And abusing others in Church, whether the victim is a vulnerable congregant seeking out a trusted counselor, or the Pastor himself, is a violation of every commandment that Jesus came to teach us.
One guiding principle that I come back to time and again, especially when faced with a challenge in the scope of any social realm is this:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.This verse speaks to our awareness that God is watching over everything we do and say, and each thought that entertain. Our treatment of others, both to their face and behind their back, is always before the watchful eyes of God, and we will be called into account for our every interaction.
Proverbs 9:10
Certainly a pastor should know this, which is why we hold them to such a high standard. But let us also remember our responsibility to respect others and fear the Lord, even when we don't possess a leadership title or a formally recognized mantle of authority.
Thankfully, no matter who we are, or what the source of our deepest hurts may be, God is our refuge and strength, and is more than able to restore and heal our every wound.
We hope that you all had a restful and healing summer, and remember, if you need help or support please contact us.
More updates coming soon!
Pastoral Sexual Abuse: An Activist Speaks Out
"...ministers are not licensed counselors. Faith leaders who serve as counselors have no governing board to be reported to or held accountable to. So, for example, if a female congregant goes to her minister for counseling during a spiritual crisis, if that particular minister is a perpetrator, he can violate her during her most vulnerable emotional state. If you are in need of counseling, please seek out a state licensed counselor instead.
More information and resources are available through The Hope Of Survivors Web site. For victims, please know that you need not suffer alone." ~ Suzanne Cyr
As an advocate for clergy sexual abuse survivors, Suzanne Cyr has been working tirelessly to shine light on the complex issues surrounding CSA during our Clergy Sexual Abuse Awareness month-long campaign.
The Portsmouth Herald's online publication, Seacoast Online, recently published Suzanne's thought provoking editorial, Law Doesn't Protect Parishioners. The comments that follow her post bring up some interesting points, and are among some of the most sensitive responses on the subject of CSA that I've ever read in a public forum.
For more information on our Enough is Enough campaign, please visit: www.clergysexualabuseawarenessday.com
If you, or someone you know is involved this type of abuse, please contact us. We can help.
Heal, Educate, Prevent
"The high spiritual calling of the clergy must be matched with an equally high moral response. Everywhere from the seminary down to the church pew we must educate ourselves and future clergy men and women about the respect owed to one another in the clergy-client relationship. This important awareness and prevention day will go far to remind us all of our moral duties to one another."—Lourdes Morales-Gudmundsson, Ph.D., speaker and author I Forgive You, But....
Clergy Sexual Abuse Awareness & Prevention Day is here!
Please join us at The Hope of Survivors as we raise
awareness during this month long event. Our calendar of events can be seen here. All are invited and welcome to attend. Please contact us for more information.
Soul Survivor: Getting Back Up After Sexual Abuse
Yesterday I had a cathartic experience while watching Soul Surfer—the story of Bethany Hamilton. I’d heard bits and pieces about the movie, but hadn’t really given much thought to it, and primarily went because the viewing time worked with my schedule. I was not expecting the powerful and inspiring message that this story delivers.
*Spoiler Alert—if you don’t want to know details about this movie, then read no further.
In the movie, a talented young surfer, Bethany Hamilton, suffers a sudden shark attack while surfing with a group of friends on a day like any other in her young life. The brutal attack leaves Bethany without an arm and fighting for her life. Her courage is remarkable and her strength’s an inspiration, especially to those who’ve faced life-changing loss.
I already knew this as the basic premise of the movie, so why did I cry myself through the entire show, especially when I’m really not much of a cry-er?
The truth is, I was completely unprepared for the many spiritual analogies throughout Bethany’s story: Her idealistic and carefree life—suddenly and dramatically changed without any forewarning—one moment she was following her dream, and the next she’s fighting for her life. The way those who care about Bethany also suffered as they were impacted by such life-altering change was so tenderly portrayed, I couldn’t help but feel enormous sadness for what they were going through, as they all walked on eggshells around her after the accident.
But perhaps what touched me the most in this story was the strength of Bethany’s mother, who’s worst fears were nearly realized as her daughter’s life was left in shambles, yet somehow she never let her own fear get in the way of what her daughter needed. Her unfailing support for Bethany was both balanced and respectful, such rare qualities—especially in the face of long-term trauma.
In fact, no one in the movie ever seems to be afraid of sharks, either before or after the brutal attack, which I found challenging if not interesting. Or at least they never let their unspoken fears stop them from living according to their talent. As one outside of the surfing culture, I’d assume that a serious shark phobia would persist, especially after suddenly losing a limb to one, but this just didn’t seem to be the case. And I appreciated this.
Bethany’s road to recovery was not without its dark days. Her first surfing competition was something of a disaster as she appeared to be undeniably disadvantaged, with only one arm to balance her board. Relentlessly beaten down beneath the powerful force of wave after wave, Bethany just couldn’t seem to get on top of the surf and eventually needed to be rescued. Soon after this perceived failure, she abandoned her beloved sport altogether and headed off on a mission trip to a tsunami-ravaged Thailand—part aimless wanderer and part sojourner on a quest for insight, in my interpretation her journey seemed proactive and admirable.
Then, somewhere along her path toward healing, Bethany gained the spiritual perspective she needed, invoking within her a sense of purpose and a renewed determination to get back up and try again. With the help of those around her, she worked hard to rebuild muscle and learned new ways to physically compensate for what had been lost.
Of course her comeback is amazing—there would be no movie without it. It is in these moments of style and grace, with Bethany riding on top of the waves, where anyone watching knows they’ve witnessed a miracle. And to hear her give the glory for her recovery to God adds a dimension of beauty rarely seen in a big screen Hollywood production.
So what about you and I? What has the story of Soul Surfer to do with the losses we’ve endured? Most of us don’t surf at competitive levels, nor have we physically lost a limb or been suddenly attacked by a man-eating shark, yet the way that I see it, so much of Bethany’s story is directly relevant to what we’ve experienced.
How many of us feel like we’ve lost a part of ourselves that we’ll never get back? How often have the relentless waves of turmoil and depression pounded us down to the point of despair, mocking our inability to get up or to move on? How can we ever hope to live the life that we once did when so much has been lost and destroyed, or when so many have turned their backs on us?
Because I’ve lived it, and because I’ve also witnessed others survive pastoral sexual abuse, I can tell you that by the grace and mercy of God we can get back up. We can exercise our spiritual freedom by drawing near to Christ as we learn to adapt and compensate for what’s been lost. We can also seek out the perspective of Christ on the issues of abuse, which are clearly outlined in God’s Word, and apply them to our hearts and minds. And once we heal, we, like Bethany, can share our hope with others who’ve also been wounded.
But first we must determine, beyond all fear and weakness, to get back in the water.
If you need some inspiration, I strongly recommend the movie, Soul Surfer. If you need someone to talk to who understands the pain and loss of pastoral sexual abuse, please contact us at The Hope of Survivors—we can help you.
