Reconnecting With Church After Abuse
Frequently asked by survivors of pastoral sexual and spiritual abuse, is the question of how to make a reconnection with church and how to trust again.
For this subject, I very much tried to find someone else to write about it. The response I was given was that this topic should really be addressed by victims of such abuse—namely those who’ve had some success at making it back in.
After months of thinking about this, I suppose I agree. We, who’ve been abused, know just how difficult this aspect of the journey is. We know the pressure from well-intended friends who’ve not experienced this same damage; the implication of simple resolution, or even the misguided finger-wagging judgment, perhaps meant to propel us into good Christian behavior mode.
Maybe we’ve felt compelled to connect but can’t bring ourselves to enter a church building, or make it through a service without suffering a panic attack or breaking down in tears.
What can we do? How do we move forward with church?
I will speak from my own experience.
During my journey of recovery from church abuse, a single statement compelled me to actually try to re enter church, said by my very helpful counselor, “your children need to see their mother in church”. For me, this was motivating. The concept that my potential church attendance wasn’t a dutiful obligation, but an act of motherly love was something that I could actually want. And at a time in my life when any want was extremely rare, this set my weakened will in motion.
Even so, my actual ability to attend lagged far behind. The music, the attitude, the culture, it all reminded me of what had been twisted and used against me. Of what can go wrong in a trusting, devout environment. I even recall hearing one woman credit the pastor (not an abusive pastor) as someone incapable of doing wrong simply because of his spiritual role. Every old familiar thing, whether simple ignorance, pious oblivion, or spiritualized emotionalism, set me back to my resigned hopelessness in the area of belonging to and trusting church.
What finally broke through my personal inability to regularly attend was when my new church hired me for a staff position. One requirement for my job was regular church attendance (as well as being a necessity to actually perform the job). I was handled with care and understanding, which also helped.
At this you may dismiss me and think you cannot relate. But I say this is relevant to both you and I. My experience stands as an example of the Lord’s tender mercy and of how He works on behalf of His wounded people. He lovingly extends to us an olive branch, exactly at our point of need. My new job was merely His merciful way of helping me reform the habit of attending church.
Ultimately, what I learned about reconnecting with church was not gleaned from my job, some great sermon, an elaborate program, or any emotional worship experience. Nor did it come through admonishment, misguided judgment, or even a great human connection. My real breakthrough came through the person of Jesus.
Once I studied Him, got to know Him: who He is and what His life mission consisted of, I became able to see that I am exactly the type of person who could easily connect with His priorities, especially in light of what I’d been through.
I’m the one who’s been wounded, who’s done wrong, and the one who resides outside of the traditional religious mainstream. I am not the law-abiding, self-righteous person who impatiently judges the weakness of those around me, because I've been weak—I am weak.
When I learned that Jesus surrounded Himself with, or dare I say — preferred the company of—those just like me, I became free to not only attend church, but to belong to it. God’s church, not mans. Not the entity that abused me or discarded me. But the church that stands to do the will of the Father who sent His son to save me; He who loves me and has my best interest at heart.
I no longer give my trust away with reckless abandon. Many people, whether in church or not, don't deserve to be given trust. However, I have learned to trust Jesus, and because of this I can openly approach the possibility of giving my trust to people again.
Yes, I still occasionally cringe, cry, hide in the back row, and even feel incapable of attending at times, but I know I belong. Because I know who Jesus came to save: me. And you. And others like us who’ve lost their way, and at times, their faith.
In the great paradox that Jesus, by His very nature, embodies, you and I have a special place reserved for us. He wants us there. And we can walk into church with confidence, knowing this.
How about you, what’s your experience reconnecting with church after spiritual abuse? Have you made it back in? Do you struggle to find a place that feels safe or reason to even attend? Your thoughts are important and most welcome here.
*Note—To read more about the life and friends of Jesus, please go here and search under Mathew, Mark, Luke, or John. To read a fantastic book based on the life of Jesus, I recommend The Jesus I Never Knew, by Philip Yancey, which can be found here.
Categories: Annette's Posts
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy misconduct affair spiritual abuse church
Thank you, Annette,for your well-thought out and compassionate article. I also have struggled for years with wanting to be in church...I continued to attend church, almost entirely because of my husband's desire to go, and because I too didn't want my children to see me "give up" on church.
So I went--- very reluctantly. Certain songs ( I was victimized by a worship leader) sent waves of pain searing through me. When a church welcomed a new staff member saying, "We are a family here at_____", the familiar lingo sent me into a panic attack and I rushed from the sanctuary until it subsided.
I appreciate that your church dealt with you with "care and understanding". I think that will be a key component to my becoming more comfortable in church. We stayed in the same "network" of churches for a few years after my experience and the message I got was to never, never discuss what happened. So I carried the burden of grieving alone and felt church was a joke---it should have been a place to be comforted and instead it was a place to put up a facade and act like I was ok. We have since left that group of churches and I now see that not all churches respond in that way. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with sharing what happened with other believers, and each time I do so and am treated with compassion, I begin to trust a bit more.
Last fall I was in a Christian support group using the materials "Mending the Soul" Exploring in depth how I came to be victimized was very revealing--I learned that earlier abusive experiences in my family of origin in many ways "set me up" for being victimized. Learning new ways of relating to people and setting boundaries has begun to help me realize I don't have to be a victim in the future.
I would really love to hear from other people on this subject as well--so I hope more of you will post on this. Thanks again, Annette!
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I know what it is like to be sexually abused by a pastor. I was a full time worship leader for five years. The pastor seemed ok in the beginning. But as we started experiencing success and the church began to grow, this pastor turned into someone that I did not know. He would talk he and his wife's sex life in front of me. He then started talking about sexual things in front of many of the staff members. It seemed he was grooming us to accept his behavior. I would not give in to his advances. The last few years of my tenure there became a living hell. This pastor would use the things that I spoke with him about in counseling against me. He would put me down. He would put my husband down. He was such a domineering person. I lost all self esteem while under his leadership. But I finally got the nerve to leave after he began to talk about sexual things directly to me on a regular basis. At first, I hated church, ministry, church people, anything that had to do with church. I had been betrayed by some of my closest friends that did not believe me when I told my story. I was financially devastated. I ended up having a nervous breakdown a few months after I resigned. That was four years ago. I stayed out of organized church for about 6 months and met in a home group with friends of the family. That time out of church was key to my recovery. The support of the group helped me in the healing process. I then visited the church of my youth and found a safe place for me and my family. I have to admit the main reason I got back into church was because of my four children. I didn't want them to grow up hating God and the church because of what they saw me go through. I believe it was important for them to see me bounce back and get back on track with God and ministry. I have been at my home church now for over two years. Being in a NORMAL leadership environment helped to restore my faith in leadership. I did not realize how brain washed I had been and just how crazy some of the teaching were that I lived by while under that abusive, authoritarian pastor. I am on staff now at my home church and I am in love with ministry again. There is hope for survivors of CSA. The healing process is painful and sometimes slow. But I have found that God is so faithful to heal the wounds and give a peace like never before. I love my God and I love ministry again. What a miracle!!! There is hope for survivors!! Don't give up!
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Reconnecting to a church body is the most difficult part of the moving forward/healing process for me and my husband. As you mentioned, there are so many reminders of the betrayal and at the beginning, it was difficult to trust anyone. When we started to attend church again, my husband commented that as he sat there, he looked around at who couldn’t be trusted. It’s more difficult for him, in a way, than for me because I had a choice in what I did while he was betrayed without any action on his part. For us, we were content in never attending church again, however that is not what God desires for us. The only way we are able to currently attend church is by taking it very slowly. We attend weekly but have not connected yet. The healing is still taking place. It’s only been one year that the abuse ended. We are able to attend because we are separating man from God. Man will hurt us, God never will. We are able to attend because we will never trust anyone fully, as we shouldn’t. We have more wisdom and discernment now. We are able to attend because God is blessing us as we go. I am allowing my husband to decide where we attend and that has been a blessing as well. God promises joy when we are obedient, therefore, although it is difficult going to church, we have found joy in it. We are growing in our relationship with God and with each other. There are moments of sadness when my thoughts gravitate toward the abuse and as triggers cause negative emotions to arise (such as certain songs, words, and anything that relates to my prior experience). I can’t say we love going to church, but we don’t dread it. We are making progress. We haven’t found a place to connect yet. What I found helpful for me is in going to a church that is very different than the one I was abused. We attended a little Baptist church with a small family atmosphere. Now we attend a very large Wesleyan church that is easy to get lost in, but good for us now. In time, we will get involved, albeit ever so slowly, unless we feel God pushing us to move faster. We still have a pessimistic attitude toward the church and are reluctant to trust anyone. About four months ago, we were satisfied never attending church again. For the past two months, we have attended weekly and went to a special service for a ministry the church supports. In time, we will connect, again, with a bit of hesitation. I thank God for his patience as He continues to heal us.
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Thank you for this well written article. It totally depicted my situation. I thankfully was never sexually abused, but I was mentally, physically, verbally, and spiritually abused (both at home and by the "pastor"). I won't go into the details, but I still struggle to this day. I church hopped and also stayed away from church for many many years, after I was finally able to breakaway. I have finally found my church "home" - no mistrust, no mistreatment, and a lot of positivity, while also learning about God's true word and love. I encourage others who have gone through this, to continue to pray and keep your relationship with God. God is always there for us, and always will be. There are times where he feels so distant, but he is truly there. Keep your head up, reach out to others who understand, and keep searching for the right fit. Praying for all of you who have already posted, and for those who are reading this.
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My abuse was over ten years ago and my husband and I are just now attending a church of the same denomination and have become members. On our first visit, we were amazed to see that one of the other victims of our offending church was a member and this seemed to comfort me that the new place was safe!
It was essential to us that the new pastor knew who we were and that we were the couple who had publicly exposed the other pastor. He assured us that he knew it was abuse and that our presence was not a problem. That helped most to feel we were being honest and not keeping any more secrets.
I don't always want to attend. Sometimes I still cry. I am always listening carefully for any type of manipulative preaching or comments - so I am not always in the proper receptive mood to really hear God's Word or to receive communion - but I go anyway. We are very cautious about making friendships and I really cannot yet imagine having any attachments. I feel guilty that I am no longer actively serving any role. Yet we continue to go. I do think God will help us to feel a sense of family again - I don't know why it is taking me so long, but it is. God wants us to be in families and to be around people who will encourage us. Being in church and hearing God's Word has to be enough for me right now.
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Thank you so much for sharing this, Debbie. I very much understand what you describe here. Though time helps, it clearly does not make the issues associated with abuse go away. I think it's very courageous of you to try church again.
I so appreciate the things that you've all shared here. Thank you all.
Every story is welcome and so helpful to all of us survivors...
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I have a few more thoughts about this subject. Today's sermon was from John 10 - all about the good shepherd. This is a tender topic for me as my abusive pastor was at one time my "shepherd" and I now know that I substituted him for the real Shepherd. He encouraged this and loved it - was a real power trip for him I am sure. I loved being known as a special lamb- who doesn't? But today, I listened to the sermon very carefully and heard clearly that this shepherd is Jesus. The men who are his under-shepherds have a terrible responsibility and with it, the ability to do great harm - as in the case of an abusive clergy. But, the Scripture clearly assures us that there is only one true shepherd who will never harm us and whose voice we recognize.
This deception and twisted use of power by a shepherd/pastor is devastating. That is surely why it is so difficult to reconnect to a church after being so used and deceived by a false shepherd. However this does not in any way negate the true promises of God - I am thankful that I was able to hear this sermon today.
Thank you to the women who have posted above - it is so good to relate to the same feelings.
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What a wonderful article, so appropriate for me right now. It has been 19 mos since the abuse ended. Been in and out of church for most of that time. We are settling into a church right now, but my trust issues are huge. I cannot find the strength to respect anyone in spiritual authority. I don't know what it will take for a pastor to prove himself worthy. It's not that I don't agree with the sermons or scriptures...it's the agent by which the information is being delivered. I can only hope that in time I will find a way to trust again.
My abuse (thank God) never became sexual, but the emotional and spiritual toll it took on me was akin to a rape. I feel like my soul was raped. I think something that is not being addressed is that a lot of abuse victims undoubtedly suffer from PTSD. Our counselor gave us some information on it when we first saw him, mainly for my husband. I found that form while cleaning out my drawer the other day and realized that it really was for me. I am trapped in a cycle of self-loathing, guilt, anger, fear and anxiety. I have developed physical ailments as a result, and I've always been a very healthy person. I had my first anxiety attack 10 months ago, and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. A lot of the comments I've read here are classic signs - triggers, anxiety, a feeling of never being the same, or seeing life as divided into before/after the abuse. I hope that someone addresses PTSD for clergy abuse survivors.
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Thank you for sharing some of your story, Ann. THOS works to help victims with all consequences following pastoral abuse, including PTSD. PTSD occurs in individuals who have suffered a traumatic experience, such as pastoral abuse. Symptoms of PTSD are just as you have described. Finding a good Christian counselor, whether at THOS or in your community, can be very beneficial when working through PTSD. You should not face this battle alone. There is hope, healing, and peace that can be found for each individual. God Bless You
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I feel the same way. I force myself to go to church even though I feel so uncomfortable and can't really enjoy it anymore. I feel empty if I go and even more empty if I don't. I want to be in church and not feel this way. It's just hard when I feel violated if an elder or pastor even looks at me. Don't want to feel or be this way.
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